You buy the gift, you show up on time, you genuinely want to be there for her. And then, somewhere between the ceremony and the laughter and the baby clothes being passed around, something unexpected rises in your chest that you did not invite and cannot quite name. Being happy for someone and grieving something of your own are not opposites, and a godh bharai or baby shower during perimenopause can bring both at once in a way that catches many women completely off guard.
Quick Answer
Feeling a layer of grief or complicated emotion at a baby shower or godh bharai during perimenopause is a genuine and common response, not a sign that you are not happy for the person being celebrated. It usually reflects the closing of your own fertility window becoming suddenly concrete in that moment, alongside hormonal mood changes that can intensify any emotion. These two feelings, joy for someone else and grief for yourself, can exist together without needing to be resolved into one or the other, and most women find the feeling passes once the specific occasion is over.
- Complicated grief at a baby shower is common in perimenopause, even when you are genuinely happy for the person celebrating
- It often reflects your own fertility window closing becoming concrete and specific, not abstract
- Hormonal fluctuations can intensify any emotional response, including ones that are not really about the event itself
- You do not need to choose between feeling happy for someone and grieving something of your own
- If this grief feels heavy or persistent beyond the occasion itself, it deserves its own attention, not just distraction
Genuine happiness for her
You are glad she is becoming a mother, excited to see the baby, invested in her happiness, and this is not performance, it is real.
Grief for your own closing window
A quiet ache about a chapter ending for you, whether or not you have children, more children, or ever wanted either, surfacing specifically because this occasion made it concrete.
Why Would a Happy Occasion Bring Up Grief?
A baby shower or godh bharai is, by design, a ritual that marks a very specific, visible milestone of fertility: a pregnant belly, a ceremony built entirely around the promise of a new life arriving. For a woman in perimenopause, whose own fertility is quietly and irreversibly winding down in the background of everyday life, this kind of occasion can make an abstract biological process suddenly feel concrete and immediate in a way that ordinary days do not.
This does not require you to still want more children, or any children, to feel it. Many women who were always clear they did not want to be mothers, or who already have the family they wanted, describe a surprising pang at exactly these occasions, which suggests the feeling is less about wanting what the other person has and more about registering, in a visceral way, that a particular door in your own life is closing. Grief for a closing chapter and contentment with your actual life choices are not contradictory, even though they can feel confusing to hold at the same time.
Is This Just Hormones, or Is It Real Grief?
Both, and that combination is worth understanding rather than dismissing either part. Perimenopausal hormonal fluctuations genuinely intensify emotional reactivity, meaning a feeling that might have been a brief, passing thought in your 30s can arrive with much more weight and immediacy now. This does not make the underlying feeling fake or merely chemical. The grief itself, about fertility ending, about ageing, about a version of your life that is now closed off, is a legitimate response to a real biological transition, and the hormonal backdrop simply means it can surface more intensely and at less convenient moments than it might have before.
It can help to separate the two layers in the moment: naming to yourself that “this feeling is real, and it is also probably louder right now because of where I am hormonally” can reduce the sense that something has gone wrong, when actually something ordinary and explicable is happening.
How Do You Get Through the Actual Occasion?
You do not need to suppress the feeling entirely, and you also do not need to let it take over the day; both extremes tend to make the experience harder than it needs to be. A few practical approaches that many women find genuinely helpful:
- Give yourself a few minutes alone before or during the event, even just a short walk to another room or a moment on a balcony, rather than pushing through continuously from arrival to departure.
- Decide in advance roughly how long you intend to stay, which removes the pressure of deciding in the moment when you are already managing a lot, and gives you permission to leave a little early without it feeling like a dramatic exit.
- Let yourself feel the pang without needing to explain it to anyone there, including to the person being celebrated; this feeling is yours to process, not something she needs to manage or apologise for causing.
- Plan something small and restorative for afterward, whether that is quiet time at home, a call with a friend who understands, or simply an early night, acknowledging that the occasion genuinely cost you something emotionally even if it also brought real joy.
When Does This Feeling Need More Than Just Getting Through the Day?
For most women, this grief is occasion-specific: it rises at the baby shower, the godh bharai, or perhaps the newborn visit shortly after, and then settles again once the specific event has passed. This pattern, intense but time-limited and tied to a clear trigger, is a normal part of the broader fertility-related grief many women describe in perimenopause.
If the feeling is heavier than this, persisting for days afterward, accompanied by low mood that does not lift, or if you find yourself avoiding these occasions altogether in a way that is costing you real relationships, it is worth talking to someone rather than managing it alone indefinitely. A therapist, a trusted friend who has been through something similar, or your doctor if low mood is part of a broader pattern of perimenopausal depression, are all reasonable places to take this.
| Response | What it usually means |
|---|---|
| A brief pang during the event, gone by the next day | Normal, occasion-specific grief, common in perimenopause |
| Heavy low mood lasting several days after | Worth discussing with a therapist or your doctor |
| Avoiding all such occasions altogether | A sign the feeling needs direct attention, not just avoidance |
| Grief alongside other persistent depressive symptoms | Raise with your doctor, perimenopausal mood changes may need their own treatment |
In the Indian Context
Godh bharai, baby showers, and the broader culture of extended-family celebration around pregnancy mean these occasions are frequent and often difficult to avoid without comment, since skipping a close relative’s or colleague’s celebration can itself become a topic of conversation in a joint family or tight-knit community. This makes the practical coping strategies above especially relevant, since quietly managing your attendance rather than avoiding these events altogether is often the more sustainable path.
If a relative or friend asks why you seem quiet or teary at such an occasion, it is entirely reasonable to simply say you are feeling a bit emotional and leave it there, without needing to explain the full layered reason, particularly in settings where conversations about fertility, perimenopause, or emotional health are not always easy to have openly. If this grief is part of a broader struggle with the idea that your fertility window has closed, you may find our earlier piece on grieving your fertility useful alongside this one, and our community includes many Indian women who have navigated exactly this kind of occasion-specific grief.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does feeling this way mean I actually wanted more children and didn’t realise it? Not necessarily. Many women who are clear they did not want more children, or any children, still describe this feeling, suggesting it is more about the symbolic closing of a life stage than an unmet desire specifically.
Is it normal to feel this way even at a close friend’s or sister’s celebration? Yes, and it can sometimes be more intense precisely because the relationship is close and the occasion feels more personally significant to you.
Should I tell the pregnant person how I’m feeling? This is entirely your choice and depends on your relationship. Many women choose not to, simply because the feeling is about their own transition rather than anything the other person needs to manage, but a close friend or sister may understand and even welcome the honesty.
Can hormone therapy help with this kind of emotional reactivity? Hormone therapy can help stabilise mood swings and emotional intensity more broadly in perimenopause, which may make moments like this feel less overwhelming, though it will not remove the underlying grief itself, which is a separate, legitimate process to work through.
The Second Spring is an information resource, not a medical provider. For personal advice, speak with your doctor or gynaecologist. Write to us at thesecondspringofficial@gmail.com
You Don't Have to Go Through This Alone
Perimenopause can feel confusing and isolating, but you don't have to figure it out by yourself. Talk to a gynaecologist or doctor who understands perimenopause about what you're experiencing, or see how other Indian women are navigating the same changes in our community.
In a medical emergency, call 112. For mental health support, iCall can be reached at 9152987821 (Mon–Sat, 8am–10pm).
